The Other Room: A fictional Convo between Buhari, Rochas, and Shettima

The Other Room: A fictional Convo between Buhari, Rochas, and Shettima

The Other Room: A fictional Convo between Buhari, Rochas, and Shettima

President Buhari wakes up in the morning to news that his joke about his wife belonging to the kitchen and the other room has been blown out of proportion by BBC, and the whole world (including Nigerians) are roasting him online.

Buhari: Rochas and Shettima, please come and sit with me. What's this I am hearing? Garba Shehu just told me that people didn't believe I joked about my wife yesterday. Sorry good morning.

Rochas: Baba morning, nothing is good oh. Even our host, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was bewildered with your comment, sir.

Buhari: Han Han, Angela baby knows I was just joking now. This BBC self, I will boycott that media company oh.

Rochas: Baba you fuck up jawe. How could you have said your wife belongs to the kitchen in front of a woman leader? In a time when Hilary Clinton is even campaigning for the US presidency. That was a costly joke. They are saying you're a sexist and misogynist.

Buhari: Miso what? All my daughters are educated. Even Aisha has Master's degree and runs her own businesses. It was a joke. Shettima why are you not talking?

Shettima: Baba I don't even understand. Didn't we just bring back 21 Chibok girls? We are in Germany today discussing trades, and they're just distracting us. Baba, we have to bring back more girls ASAP so they can quickly forget this.

Buhari: I am going to punish Aisha. Maybe she should leave Aso Rock self. What got into her? Abi was she possessed by the evil spirit Reuben Abati was talking about? If she had just closed her mouth, BBC won't be ridiculing me like this.

Rochas: Baba evil spirit? God punish devil. I will bring my man for you when we return to Nigeria. Any witchcraft will bend if this man finishes his work.

Shettima: If my wife did what Aisha did, she'd be with her father right now.

Rochas: Haa, what is that you're saying? Haven't you heard the rumors of divorce building up? Do you want history to repeat itself, Baba divorced his first wife, he should now leave Aisha again.

Buhari: You people should shut up jawe. Get Aisha on the phone for me. She must not leave the other room until I return!

Rochas: Baba, calm down. Garba was even trying to get across our progress in Germany here, but nobody is listening. Even that overripe pawpaw Ben Bruce and fake pastor Reno Omokri are shading you.
Buhari: Forget that Bayelsa half-caste, AMCON no do am strong thing reach.

Shettima: I am hearing that the reason your wife went to the press is because some cabal has hijacked your government. Mamman Daura and Abba Kyari are been mentioned.

Buhari: Haa Aisha! I told her, there's no Office of the First Lady oh, you are the Wife of the President and should just focus on the humanitarian and charity activities. Has she joined another party? What's her concern with me or my government? Did people vote for her or me? Does she think this is a family business?

Rochas: Baba, calm down. People are watching you now with keen eyes. There's a lot in our cup, let's spill it small-small. We just need to do something to cover up this issue. Even our own supporters are turning against us.

Buhari: Okay, I will show Aisha. She brought this disgrace to me. I will just marry another lady.

Rochas: Haa, I hope it won't be a 14 years old girl? Nigerians or the 15 million people that Aisha mentioned will just revolt. That your Emir friend in Katsina has just taken away a little girl from her parents and married her off. You northerners self.

Shettima: Rochas what's that? Are you insulting us? Just mind your business. Baba you too, be thinking things through before commenting in the press. All these your press briefer are saboteurs. Maybe they're even working for PDP. How can they not envisage that you'd be asked about Aisha statements to BBC?

Rochas: Baba we will not fail. This week has just been difficult. First DSS judge arrests, then talks of a prisoner and ransom swap to bring back our girls, and now Aisha.

Shettima: Baba, instruct Lai Lai Mohammed to do damage control. They respect him more than Garba. At least that will take the pressure off you till you can redeem your image by apologizing.

Buhari: Lai ke? They will finish my minister. Femi Adesina will do it. Me apologize after all these draggings?
Rochas: Baba it's time for to meet business people, let's move.

Buhari: *hisses* I don't even feel like going out again. But I have to perform my duty. We will get back to Aisha. I will meet her in the other room.

To be continued...


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